That Free and Lonely Feeling

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I hope I never take for granted each moment I have with my little ones. We’ve all heard the expressions – “time is a thief,” “time waits for no one,” “it all goes by in a blink.” We know and yet we don’t know, until we can’t recover the moments. It all moves so fast. Here’s to hoping we control what we can. Here’s to hoping when the moments are gone there are memories to replace them.

That Free and Lonely Feeling

Today the girls are all at school

and I find myself replaying decisions,

Hoping I’ve done what’s best for them

as I sit with that free and lonely feeling.

You know the one, mamas, 

when no one is pulling at your shirt

Or calling your name endlessly,

or telling you something hurts.

No one is telling me they are hungry,

Again,

or that their sibling hit them,

No one is in the bathroom, no one is in the kitchen.

I’m free from the fits and yells and cries,

but also the kisses and hugs and snuggles,

Motherhood can never be measured partially,

there is strength and joy in the struggles.

I imagine this is what it feels like when they are grown and gone

with their own homes to start, 

Lives I will suddenly no longer coordinate, 

but instead just become a part.

Being a mom feels like breathing, feels like I can’t explain.

You love them every second as they grow, 

and every second you know…

That the free and lonely feeling is now here to stay,

that even when they leave, it doesn’t go away.

Their first day of school or their last day of school,

the years are marked with change

Days you wish you could hold on to, chapters you wish stayed the same.

I hope the free and lonely feeling

will also accompany the peace,

Of time well spent, sweet memories,

childhood adventures on repeat.

It reminds me to be a good steward

of every day we have,

To catch that free and lonely feeling,

to sit with it and be glad.