Today the girls are all at school
and I find myself replaying decisions,
Hoping I’ve done what’s best for them
as I sit with that free and lonely feeling.
You know the one, mamas,
when no one is pulling at your shirt
Or calling your name endlessly,
or telling you something hurts.
No one is telling me they are hungry,
or that their sibling hit them,
No one is in the bathroom, no one is in the kitchen.
I’m free from the fits and yells and cries,
but also the kisses and hugs and snuggles,
Motherhood can never be measured partially,
there is strength and joy in the struggles.
I imagine this is what it feels like when they are grown and gone
with their own homes to start,
Lives I will suddenly no longer coordinate,
but instead just become a part.
Being a mom feels like breathing, feels like I can’t explain
You love them every second as they grow,
and every second you know…
That the free and lonely feeling is now here to stay,
that even when they leave, it doesn’t go away.
Their first day of school or their last day of school,
the years are marked with change
Days you wish you could hold on to, chapters you wish stayed the same.
I hope the free and lonely feeling
will also accompany the peace,
Of time well spent, sweet memories,
childhood adventures on repeat.
It reminds me to be a good steward
of every day we have,
To catch that free and lonely feeling,
to sit with it and be glad.